I've got my day cut out for me today and I'm not ready for it. I feel tense and stressed, overworked and unappreciated these days, I really need to recharge but I can't see that possiblity for the coming weeks from here.
Today I need to clean and organize like a mad woman for my 10 year olds sleepover birthday party. We'll be taking 8 boys to Shrek 3 and then home here for pizza and a sleep over but... after months of him moving to his new room, the former occupant of the room (it was Mr Gas' office before) has STILL not removed his stuff. I plan on the boys all sleeping in there because my own boys have anhilated the playroom once again and it's going to take hours to sort it and organize it all again which I just don't have in me right now. The family room: they have not been kind to that room either and after daily nagging and redestruction of it, it never gets nice again, there's even a mass of sand that one of the boys thought to empty their shoe of in there today. and yes... they aren't supposed to wear shoes in the house so go figure. Everywhere I turn there's work and more work and as fast as I do it, it seems it gets undone just as fast.
I'm not having any fun lately. I never get time to play with the kids cause I'm always in nag mode or cleaning mode or laundry mode and there's no time to have fun cause I can't keep up with the work part of motherhood. If I'm not doing that I'm refereeing the nitpicking, the bickering, the tattling, the arguing and the disagreements that go on about seemingly everything sucking all my energy away and leaving me with an aching back from tension. This isn't what kind of motherhood I imagined for myself. I'm a fun Mom but I can't get to that part of it cause the moment I put the work aside to have fun, they take advantage of the lapse and make another disaster.
I'm told this is the hard part and it's like this right now cause I have 3 boys. I regularly meet people that will say 'oh you have 3 boys, yeah, that's alot of work'. They aren't kidding. Where's the fun time. I miss having fun! They tell me that it will get easier when they become teenagers and that they will always have a special spot for their Mom so I'm holding on to that.
Grocery shopping was a trial yesterday. I decided to go after school so Birthday Boy could pick out a few things for his party. A grand thought that turned into punishment for that said thought. I spent half the time trying to stop them from fighting over who got to ride in the car buggy that I chose cause the youngest fell asleep on the way there and I though it would be good for him since he was obviously tired. Then there was the hopping on the tile squares up and down the aisle, then more bickering cause one of them is irritating another then the middle gets all upset cause Birthday boy picked chips he didn't like, then this, then that, then we get to the till and the can I haves start and Oops, with all the distractions I forgot green onions - will BB go get them for me. Off he goes as I'm unloading the cart and trying to save food damage from the help I'm getting. He comes back and just as the last of the groceries are getting rung up he makes some comment to question him on the onions I sent him for only to find out did he not only not get them but didn't bother to tell me so now I have to leave all the kids and run off to get them. The check out lady told me to go home and have a big glass of wine as I paid. I screamed into the air, going down the hwy with the windows open on the drive home. It didn't help. Do they even know I feel tag teamed at times?
I know they love me, my 4 year old even told me yesterday out of the blue that he will always love me which hit me as a very deep thing for a 4 year old to say. I will hold on to that. I just wish I knew the magic words or could twitch my nose right to have them stop their disaster making, put their apple cores in the garbage, leave the sand outside, use the water in the toilet bowl as a target to aim at, get toothpaste spit in the sink, capture the clothes goblins that strew their clothes EVERYWHERE every day, pick up their toys so I don't impale my foot when I picking up their dishes they promise to put back if only I let them eat 'here'. I could go on and on but you get the point.
I'm tired. One day I know I will be looking back missing this constant caos I call my life right now, I know I will, I'm certain I will. I'll be desperate to have all this back again but right now, I would just love a little help, a little appreciation for all I do. I love them deep deep deep into my core, I just want the work to lessen so I can enjoy this all more. It's not always like this, it comes in waves and right now I'm on a big one and lost my surfboard.
Tomorrow my 7 year old and I are going to Beaver camp. Starts at 2 and check out time is 8:30 Sunday morning. That tells me to expect to be up very early. I'm not a morning person, I admit it, not at all! I should be looking forward to this, happy to have some one on one time with my middle son but I'm so drained it just seems like more work at this vantage. I hope that view will change when I get there, I really do. I want to enjoy all the good parts but the hard parts are sucking me dry right now.
It's true, just like the cartoon says Motherhood is definitely not for wimps!
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