Longing for Peace

I've got my day cut out for me today and I'm not ready for it. I feel tense and stressed, overworked and unappreciated these days, I really need to recharge but I can't see that possiblity for the coming weeks from here.

Today I need to clean and organize like a mad woman for my 10 year olds sleepover birthday party. We'll be taking 8 boys to Shrek 3 and then home here for pizza and a sleep over but... after months of him moving to his new room, the former occupant of the room (it was Mr Gas' office before) has STILL not removed his stuff. I plan on the boys all sleeping in there because my own boys have anhilated the playroom once again and it's going to take hours to sort it and organize it all again which I just don't have in me right now. The family room: they have not been kind to that room either and after daily nagging and redestruction of it, it never gets nice again, there's even a mass of sand that one of the boys thought to empty their shoe of in there today. and yes... they aren't supposed to wear shoes in the house so go figure. Everywhere I turn there's work and more work and as fast as I do it, it seems it gets undone just as fast.

I'm not having any fun lately. I never get time to play with the kids cause I'm always in nag mode or cleaning mode or laundry mode and there's no time to have fun cause I can't keep up with the work part of motherhood. If I'm not doing that I'm refereeing the nitpicking, the bickering, the tattling, the arguing and the disagreements that go on about seemingly everything sucking all my energy away and leaving me with an aching back from tension. This isn't what kind of motherhood I imagined for myself. I'm a fun Mom but I can't get to that part of it cause the moment I put the work aside to have fun, they take advantage of the lapse and make another disaster.

I'm told this is the hard part and it's like this right now cause I have 3 boys. I regularly meet people that will say 'oh you have 3 boys, yeah, that's alot of work'. They aren't kidding. Where's the fun time. I miss having fun! They tell me that it will get easier when they become teenagers and that they will always have a special spot for their Mom so I'm holding on to that.

Grocery shopping was a trial yesterday. I decided to go after school so Birthday Boy could pick out a few things for his party. A grand thought that turned into punishment for that said thought. I spent half the time trying to stop them from fighting over who got to ride in the car buggy that I chose cause the youngest fell asleep on the way there and I though it would be good for him since he was obviously tired. Then there was the hopping on the tile squares up and down the aisle, then more bickering cause one of them is irritating another then the middle gets all upset cause Birthday boy picked chips he didn't like, then this, then that, then we get to the till and the can I haves start and Oops, with all the distractions I forgot green onions - will BB go get them for me. Off he goes as I'm unloading the cart and trying to save food damage from the help I'm getting. He comes back and just as the last of the groceries are getting rung up he makes some comment to question him on the onions I sent him for only to find out did he not only not get them but didn't bother to tell me so now I have to leave all the kids and run off to get them. The check out lady told me to go home and have a big glass of wine as I paid. I screamed into the air, going down the hwy with the windows open on the drive home. It didn't help. Do they even know I feel tag teamed at times?

I know they love me, my 4 year old even told me yesterday out of the blue that he will always love me which hit me as a very deep thing for a 4 year old to say. I will hold on to that. I just wish I knew the magic words or could twitch my nose right to have them stop their disaster making, put their apple cores in the garbage, leave the sand outside, use the water in the toilet bowl as a target to aim at, get toothpaste spit in the sink, capture the clothes goblins that strew their clothes EVERYWHERE every day, pick up their toys so I don't impale my foot when I picking up their dishes they promise to put back if only I let them eat 'here'. I could go on and on but you get the point.

I'm tired. One day I know I will be looking back missing this constant caos I call my life right now, I know I will, I'm certain I will. I'll be desperate to have all this back again but right now, I would just love a little help, a little appreciation for all I do. I love them deep deep deep into my core, I just want the work to lessen so I can enjoy this all more. It's not always like this, it comes in waves and right now I'm on a big one and lost my surfboard.

Tomorrow my 7 year old and I are going to Beaver camp. Starts at 2 and check out time is 8:30 Sunday morning. That tells me to expect to be up very early. I'm not a morning person, I admit it, not at all! I should be looking forward to this, happy to have some one on one time with my middle son but I'm so drained it just seems like more work at this vantage. I hope that view will change when I get there, I really do. I want to enjoy all the good parts but the hard parts are sucking me dry right now.

It's true, just like the cartoon says Motherhood is definitely not for wimps!

The View from my torch

This is the view from behind my torch. These guys make me smile and stir creative inspiration while I sit out in the garage melting glass. I painted my walls and ceiling a few weeks ago to help inspiration. After all, bare plywood and cement really do suck all the creativity out of your hide!

I ended up painting my hair a couple times when I bumped my head on the beams but what the heck, I have pink hair now, I had blue hair after bumping... it's all good!

This is my work area. I need to put more inspiration and decor in there but at least it's better than it was. What you see there is my working pile of glass. In the drawer of the desk is my stash which works okay for storage but I end up having to empty out a section each time I am looking for a specific colour since they are all just in colour groups. I bought some old apple crates at auction a couple months ago that I am going to anchor some pvc pipe in and stack them on their sides so I can sort it a bit better and actually see how much of what colour I actually have left. I went to use a certain colour tonight only to find out I had none of it, but when I was at the glass shop a week ago I was sure I had that colour so didn't get any. Being able to know at a glance if I have something would be much easier on my hands too. Have to watch those ends, even though they aren't jagged, you do have to pick up the glass gingerly when it's just dumped in a drawer.

Now these guys. These guys are fun! This is Mr. Gosh, Lenore, Ragamuffin and Pooty. These guys are from the imagination of Roman Dirge. Lenore is the main character of this group. Shhh, she's not really aware of it, but she's dead and yet she's still cute. Yup, she's the cute little dead girl. Lenore is comic book hero of a different kind, well, hero isn't really right but she is a character and that you can't deny. ;) She now has been animated and what a treat that is!
I also have his book 'Something At The Window Is Scratching: Children's tales for disurbed children' which is full of fun drawings and darkly silly stories. Nor for everyone (my MIL wouldn't even look at the book) but I certainly enjoy it! Here's his blog if you want to keep up to date with all things Dirge.

Stay tuned, tomorrow I will share the beads I created today (they are in the kiln annealing right now). I think I made the most beautiful bead I've ever created tonight, we'll see if I think the same in the morn!

Beauty in Age

I love old barns. There's something so timeless and beautiful about them with the weathered patina and whispers of sweat and muscles and strain. Ghosts of chores done so many times before but sitting silent as I observe this moment in time.

Artist Connections

When I was a Collectible Teddy Bear artist I found it to be no problem to connect with other artists, even made one of the small handful of most significant friendships of my life so far with one of those artists. But, now I'm doing glass and mixed media. In my everyday life I know no other artists, I haven't found any ongoing connections in person or online and I certainly haven't found anyone who actually *Gets* my work in my limited encounters. Now I know the latter of the two is much harder to come by, I mean, not that many people actually get me so it's no surprise that my work be considered 'out there' too, but I do feel a disparate need to connect with other artists.

I am a bohemian at heart. I'm a non-conformist by nature-I am irritated by rules that stifle rather than guide, I dislike the clock setting limits on my life, and I embrace all that is original, thought provoking and artful in life. Growing up my Dad told me all the time that I was a hippie which he meant as a derrogetory label but it's something I've always embraced. I know he'd have a problem with the fact that for my 38th birthday last month a friend of mine dyed my hair pink. Fortunately, the man I married loves my quirkiness and my off the beaten path tastes, he accepts me and revels in the fact that I'm not ordinary. I'm not mainstream, I am bothered by the hypocrisies of daily life and my ability to see two sides of the proverbial coin at the same time has gotten me into trouble at times. I'm a person who gets riled up by current events, media, politics, religion and injustice to the point that sometimes I have to push them aside to embrace happiness because the depths of my soul feels the damages they all invoke on humanity. I feel.. I feel deeply for the smallest ant I may accidentally step on to the latest genocide humanity sits aside, witnessing and is unresposive to once again. It's recently come to light that my oldest son and I are gifted learners which does explain so much about how I think and why close friendships have always been difficult for me to find but that doesn't satisfy a fact I've always lived with-that sometimes I feel so lonely for someone to just 'get' me. I must say I am sad that I have given my son (and possibly the other 2 too) this legacy but they'll know that I 'get' them and that's more than I had growing up.

Reading others blog posts out there, I have a few rays of hope that there are others out there that will 'get' my work and possibly even me! I want to meet them, I want to chat and laugh with them and get to know them but how. I'm emotionally starved for intellectual conversation, art talk and exchanges of ideas. I need to connect with those that live and breathe art as I do, but don't know how that will/can happen sitting here infront of my laptop. I don't want to send someone an email via their blog and sound like a needy groupie. When I was a bear artist it was easy, I joined mailing lists and just emailed but that was before the birth of blogs. Maybe someone will find my blog and say 'hey, I know her, she's me!'. I won't hold my breath though.

Meanwhile, I sit and wish, hoping to connect with other artists...

Okay, so I haven't been very good about writing regularly. I've written so many posts in my mind while trying to fall asleep but that's where they stayed. I took a fantastic class with Sherry Bellamy last weekend at Glass-Smith in Victoria. I learned more from her than I have in any class before and I came home completely inspired. My glass work has a whole new life to it now and I have so many ideas I'm looking forward to trying. I made a bead I'm very happy with, I will take a picture soon as Mr Helium comes home with my camera.

My oldest and Mr Helium are off at a Cub Scouts camp for the weekend. Yet again, rain has been called for camp. I think we'll all fall over if a camp ever falls on a weekend that it *doesn't* rain! They went to a fun little island where there's no cars and took their bicycles. I wish my other boys and I could have gone with them but the youngest and I don't have sleeping bags so home we stay. I did all the food for the weekend. Oh how I hope I didn't screw up cause there's no whipping out to the store if something is missing.

I am going to make a necklace with my middle guy tomorrow, and make some polymer clay props with both my middle and littlest for their playmobile stories. They love to play with that together so it will be great fun to make up some tangible things that they have been trying to enact in their imaginations. Maybe I'll be able to sneak in some PMC work while we're into it and I hope to get them to bed on time so I can play with some glass tomorrow night. I have a painting I've been working on for some time too, so that would be nice to get to too. I should post a pic of it in progress but again, my digital is off camping and my film has a dead battery.

Well, uploading some pics has all miserably failed so I will head off to bed and try again another time. Enjoy your weekend, where ever you are.