Sucking Helium

My Etsy shop is open

2008-06-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally did placed a bead in my etsy shop! If you head to http://suckinghelium.etsy.com you'll see this beauty.

I have other items to add but I need to take more pictures first. Hopefully tomorrow I can accomplish that. Today is a day for chores and hopefully at the end I will have the energy to reward myself with some torch time. With the sun shining, chores aren't the drag they usually are, they almost are a pleasure! shhh, don't tell anyone ;)

If a blog rises in the forest and nobody posts, is it still a blog?

2008-06-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

This past year has been a long one. A year full of emotion and challenge where my spirit was torn down to it's essence, stripped to my inner most quivering root nerve. Exposed and raw, I began a renewal of self - building myself into who I am and who I want to be all over again. Mindful growth magnetic and purposeful, auspiciously inspiring those around me to start from the here and now, to grow with purpose and continue on to be who we are supposed to be.

Life is noisy and lonely and crowded and quiet, full of paradox's and pain, plundering and prosperity, commas and periods. Infinite but minute, fresh dawns of first breaths - enormous and exalting, shared with the blackest nights stealing your dreams... your soul... your determination. I would curse the blackest of nights but if it weren't for them, we wouldn't know how prodigious the blissful dewey fragrant mornings of our personal resurrections are. Pain leads to growth just as pleasure eventually leads to pain, all things in time during the cycle of life. We cannot have one without the other.

This dark grey to black past year is just that in my heart... past. I have surfaced from it's depth, embracing the light and air and possibilty. Reassured to myself in who I am and how I want to live my life within myself, I move on. Ever reminding myself that I can lead only my own path, I must only hope that others will move with me along this course and their path leads to the same place. Mindful that I must be true to myself and others must decide their own path... and may or may not choose to share their path with me.

This new enlightenment has released me. Released me to realise that I must be the best me and all else will follow but what follows is a matter of happenstance and timing, and just because we want our lives to be a certain way, we really can only control what's in our own spirit. I have no control of the wind around me just the breath that goes through me.

With this vexatious time behind me, I have succeeded. A renewal of my life's purpose, a rebirth of focus, a resurrection of self empowerment and a rebirth of my hopes and dreams. My work is moving again, no longer stagnant with my soul but pouring out through my hands only being restrained by time and lifes commitments and needs. Like leaves sprouting forth from fingerling branches reaching out from a tree, my ideas can no longer be contained in clenched fists of the past. It must manifest to what it will and I will not hold it back. I will share here more regulary now. I felt I could not post for quite sometime when all I felt was muck mirred, like clay riddened boots. I felt it not fair to anyone else, to be dragged into the dark place which was my abode. As a blog can only give a glimpse, this glimpse didn't need to be shared.

With that I close, like a lid on a bottle of used motor oil, I draw a line in the sand and move on, eager to share my future and ever hopeful of possibilty.

Sincerely Jennifer

2008-04-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

You Are 91% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity.

Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

How Creative Are You?

New book came

2007-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I ordered "Photographing Arts, Crafts & Collectibles" in hopes to actually be able to take a decent likeness of my glass beads. I haven't been sharing them here because my pictures just don't represent what the beads actually look like in person. I just can't have that! So far I have just leafed through the book but it looks good and it looks as though it will help me. Now that my helium provider is back home with the camera, I will attempt to share some of my work. Wish me luck, my patience level will probably need it!

Do things in Love

2007-08-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

...for love shall find you then.

This little 8 year old boy, so sweet, so full of abundant love. I relish the joy of being his mother.

Today, burdened by a very sore throat, painfully sensitive ears and a miserable cold I went out and mowed the lawn. I drudged through each painful dizzying step while my boys played so well together inside. During breaks to empty the clippings or to steady myself, I could hear them talking inside about dinner. This boy telling his younger brother that they shouldn't get a snack now because it was almost dinner and instead of arguing the answer was a surprising 'okay'.

I finished the lawn and dragged myself inside, not knowing what to do about dinner. What was my healthiest option with the least amount of effort I could think of. Finally I sucombed to my throats needs and made Lipton's Chicken noodle soup. I put the water on and went to change from my grass dusted clothing when this dear boy came in and asked if he could make dinner for me since he knew I didn't feel well. As luck would have it, I have taught him how to make this soup before due to the fact that it is his favourite and wanted to know how. He was pleased when I said yes, and was happy to see the look of relief and delight on my face from his offer. I thought his offer came with him knowing what we were having. He didn't. So thoughtful, he was willing to try and make anything I requested. He was specially pleased to find that he didn't need instruction to be able to help and took the reigns. He did a fine job of cooking, even setting our places and laddling it out for the 3 of us like an experienced pro. Even placing a plate over my bowl so it wouldn't get chilled before I got to eat it. He's such a loving soul, so kind and giving. I truely am lucky to be his mother.

He sees things with a gentle heart. Yesterday he wanted eggs for breakfast so I fried him two eggs mindlessly, placed them on a plate and gave them to him. I cracked two more for myself and stood there still mindlessly, and cooked them. He came back over and in my mindless, tired, cold suffering state I looked at him I'm sure with a blank look on my face as to why he was bringing them back to me. His face, full of beaming joy, glowed in his discovery. What he found when he looked down at his plate after he sat at the table was an utterly perfect heart. Each egg placed so perfectly you'd swear it was deliberate. A random, beautiful perfect heart in such a surprising place and it didn't go unnoticed. We both stood there, hearts floating, savouring the connection the mindless common duty gave fruition to...Love.

Darnit!

2007-08-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

My head is in such a fog this morning and it's totally my fault. Can you believe I caught a cold from my husband while he's away! How you wonder? Well, a few nights ago when I was brushing my teeth I used his glass to rinse with. He had mentioned he felt like he was experiencing a mild cold before he left but I had forgotten about that. The next day cold symptoms started to appear so I took Cold FX to stave it off. It did so I didn't take anymore, which was my bad. Darnit, now it's back and it's got a nice hold in my ears, the back of my sinus' and throat and I have the body ache with headache. I don't have time for this, I have so many things to accomplish before my sweetie gets home. I have a bedroom to paint, the family room to paint, a garage to clean, move the youngest into the bedroom that's freshly painted and then clean the house. Now this cold. Yuck. It's not working to my favour. It's working against my energy level. Why did I have to go and use his glass? Shoot!

Missing him

2007-08-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

Oh How I miss my husband today. We've never been apart this long. My heart longs for him and aches for his closeness, voice and scent. His warm, engulfing embrace and soft kisses. 6 more days I have to wait, he's only 1/2 way through his trip today. No phone call from him tonight, I was hoping and waiting to hear his voice to sustain me through another day without him. Just to hear him say he loves me... I miss him deeply.

Love

2007-08-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

Love

The subject of love has been on my mind a lot lately. Choices of love and the complexities of being in and getting over relationships. It’s what sets humans apart, our ability to love, but that doesn’t mean we do it well. Love causes us the most turmoil in our lives but yet we search and savour and get wounded and heal so we can search and savour again. It’s a little self disparaging, this circle of love life, but we can’t live with out it. Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. The very definition of it implies thoughts of martyrdom but love isn’t completely selfless is it. We take what we can from love, hopefully what we need from it even if the outcome turns out less than our ideal hopes and dreams. I mentioned a few posts back about still loving my first love, Ron Kaarvik. Let me tell you what I meant. Ready for this? My suitcase has been packed for a long time, I think it’s time to unload some of this baggage. I’ve never healed from losing him, so maybe writing my thoughts and feelings down will help bring that closure.

First of all, I should tell you what he was to me. He was a dream. When we were together he was so beautiful and gentle, soft spoken and athletic. His embrace would envelope me in warmth and passion and all that was good about the world. He loved the outdoors as much as I did, we’d lay in all it’s goodness, in the sun or the rain, just soaking up the air, the earth, the sky, the dew. It was all there making our togetherness all the more richer, the experience of our love all the more beautiful. It was delicious to be with him, gourmet without ever being too full. Passionate and lustful, dream, romantic and a tragedy of the heart when we had to be separated. Thoughts of him consumed me when we were apart, longing till the next moment, the next kiss. I couldn’t imagine more abundance of feeling or more connection to another soul. But he could be unkind. Juvenile unkindness that I’m sure he’s outgrown but wounded me deeply when inflicted on me. He could get cold and mean when his best friend was around but for some reason it didn’t affect my love for him. I realized he was succumbing to the pressures of his peer, even if the so called peer was below his stature. I’d forgive him for it. I starved myself, wanting to be beautiful for him, wanting him to want me as much I wanted him. His friend would see the humid print left behind when we stood from sitting on a table and they would both laugh and ridicule how large my butt print was. I’d starve more to be worthy, to be more appreciated and less dispensable to both him and my family, right down to 86 pounds. I’d put make-up on, only being permitted to wear horrible blue eye shadow and he would be embarrassed by it. Juvenile insecurities but my love endured.

I am often, still to this day, asked about Ron even though I moved away from that city. I still run into people that knew me back then and will ask about him. I always get an odd look when I say I don’t know…sympathy or satisfaction I don’t know, but it’s always a bit uncomfortable for me. Almost like the ghost of a great love that still haunts me. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that his ghost will always be here. Even Rob will ask me things about him from time to time. It’s not an unwelcome ghost, he still visits me in my sleep and through music or other memories as I go through life. I guess I will never be over him and maybe that’s the scar tissue of having someone break up with you when you have such love for the person.

I was with Ron for 5 years. We found each other in junior high and by senior high we were deeply in love, deeply attached to each other. He moved away with his family to the mainland and we endured and survived a long distance relationship. Our love ever growing and consuming…at least it did for me, I guess I shouldn’t speak for him. I was head over heals, couldn’t breath, couldn’t exist without him. I was consumed and filled and hopelessly powerless to him. He was why I was here, at least that’s what I thought. Then he left me. That was 19 years ago.
I had a long conversation last night with a friend who is dating a man who’s not over his first wife (she left him) and we talked about other people that we know that had partners leave them as well. Interesting about it all is that each person hasn’t been able to get past the love of the person who left them, they all still have them in their hearts. Not being the one that walked away left an unclosed door for all of them and all of them have carried it for many many years. An abandoned heart bleeds, does it stop? Or must all heart who have been abandoned just ignore to move on. What should/can that the abandoned love do to heal so they can get on with their lives and love again. This was our question.
Ron came to see me about getting together again just before I started dating my husband. I said no but not because my heart said no, my heart was trampled by my head that day. Pierced and bled to a quivering mess of flesh. I said no because I wanted him to find someone that- if he wasn’t with her, he couldn’t breathe. I obviously wasn’t that person. I thought I was until I looked back at certain events that occurred near the end of our relationship. Into a snowy night in Whistler is no place to kick someone you can’t live without to find another place to sleep because your roomate’s being difficult. Abandoning a person you love when her family disintegrated was unbearable. He told me we needed to date other people, we needed to listen to our familys. I could deal with my family wanting me to date more people, what they wanted and what my heart said didn’t agree and I was okay with that, I was living my own life by my own rules, not theirs. Love to me, doesn’t seek outside approval. But he had too much pressure to do so and the plan was we would get back together later after proving there was no one else for us. Grand idea I guess for a parent to want, I do understand that but I wanted no part of a forced search for other love. I knew what I wanted and didn’t need to prove it. But left me he did. I felt betrayed. I was lost and I ran.
I ran to the first arms of acceptance that I found. I was alone, alienated from my family due to their own turmoil that I got in the line of fire from, and abandoned by the love of my life. I ran and was caught by recklessness, wildness and excitement. I lived with that someone else for 2 years after that, or should I say I supported someone else and was used like a wet rag. I was a meal ticket in a destructive relationship that at times turned dangerous and it damaged pieces of my soul. Some scars I still bare. I left that situation in utter failure and then Ron came back to me. I had left so many doors open for him during those 2 years to rescue me, to tell me that he needed me and couldn’t stand that I wasn’t with him, to be my knight and save me but he didn’t. I couldn’t spiral down much further than I fell. He didn’t save me.

My path of self destruction after he left me did bring me enlightenment in the end…I discovered that I loved him more than he did me, he was my breath and the right thing to do was to let him go and find his person that made that made him feel the same way. I couldn’t go through this journey of life being with someone who could live without me. It wouldn’t be fair to either person. My decision was honourable. I would have married him if I had dated him again, no question in my mind. We’d have that cabin on a lake in the middle of nowhere to vacation on and we’d be together. So how could I be with him again, used and worn by another man (would I be made to feel like damaged goods because of that), vulnerable and insecure (not the strong free spirit I once was, the wings had lost some feathers) and without trust. There were unignorable questions that pulled at me. How could I trust, if I said yes to him, that he wouldn’t walk away again if someone were to advise him that he should or that I wouldn’t be second to any loyalties other than our children. How could I go through a life with him without that trust. To know that his heart may not always guide him, outside pressures could. I love myself too much to feel that insecure. So the head ruled and the heart bled.
I wish I had sat and talked with him so many years ago to let him know why I let him go, oh how I wish I had done that. To let him know that I let him go in love and not because of lack of love. And in our last embrace, I wish I had kissed him goodbye. I think I hurt him by failing to act on those two things and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to set him free strong and tall and ready to soar to someone who gave him lift to his wings. I had enough wounds to lick for both of us

There’s a theory that you have a first love, a great love and the love you spend the rest of your life with. He was my first 2 and my husband is my third. I was lucky to find First and Great in the same person. Everyone should be so lucky. The wounds are worth the experience. A love unfinished. 19 years. So long ago but like yesterday. Maybe love doesn’t fade if it’s deep enough. Maybe the memories of such things are meant to stay with us to carry into old age, to give us the wisdom to share with those who will listen of what to find in life. Maybe life’s deep loves are building blocks and the doors to the heart aren’t meant to be closed so the memories can come back to you when you need them. I have a good building if that’s the case. I am a lucky person.

I think that theory is flawed though. I think there is 2 great loves, not just one. How can the person you spend the rest of your life with not also be your great love? Maybe it should read: One great love unrequited and one great love reciprocated. Is that maybe more accurate? I know for me, both men are my great loves. Each one has helped shape my heart which is quite a feat, I mean, I have a big heart and I wear it on my sleeve; shaping something like that can’t be easy!

My husband couldn’t breathe without me when our love was young. I’m not sure about now but the complacency of 16 years of marriage makes one leave feelings under the surface and not wear them all the time. I find long relationships bring waves of love, tides of passion and joy of being with the person. Low tides and High tides and the times inbetween the waters shift. Sometimes the water just is. it’s there. It’s taken for granted that it will always be there and you forget that it takes work to stay afloat. Then a record low tide hits and wham, you don’t know if you’ll ever swim again. But if you sit in the cold sand long enough, the water comes back and raises you high again, reminding you that yes, this is why I’m here.

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect sustained breathless love, that would be exhausting. You can’t continue it with careers and kids and obligations. As long as it’s under the skin that’s what counts. Rob is off in Florida right now, on the other side of the continent from me, in another country and I think he’s breathing just fine without me right now. He didn’t phone me till the 5th day he was there, and he doesn’t sound like he misses me all that much. I want him to desperately miss me but we’ve been together for 17 years. He went from his parents house to our house and never has sown any wild oats or gone on any adventures on his own so desperately missing someone may not fit into an adventure of this scope. I wish it did. I want him to need me that much again but can you get that feeling back with the same person? At least without going through some life altering distress to get there? Is it reasonable or actually, is it possible to get that desperate longing, that need, that ‘I can’t breathe or live or be without the other person’ to wake again after 17 years? I think it is. It’s not long sustained, but it does come back. That’s what the memory of loves past must be for. So you can remember during the times intense love is present that yes, this is what brought me here, this is why I’m here, this why we are. So you can remember during the times of turmoil that there is more that this moment, be strong and you’ll get there again. Love is worth it. Love is a pain but it is worth it.

Rob swept me off my feet in the beginning. He did put on armour and protected me and fought for me and wooed me like no other. A horse drawn carriage ride on our first date with flowers delivered to the restaurant ahead of time for our table and champagne in the carriage. He stood up for me and still does in time of family tension. He believes in me, in my talent and cheers and pushes me on in my career. A career that takes courage to believe in, to invest in and trust it will pan out. He’s a strong soul, a sexy soul and a charmer. He’s a dreamer and a realist, a goal setter and an achiever. He says what he means and does what he says. He has good taste and believes in quality over quantity. He still protects me and fights for me and consoles me if I do get wounded. He’s loyal and kind and forgiving and honest. He helped me heal my heart and built up my soul to be stronger than it ever was, he gave me self esteem-something I never had much of and he saw me beyond all my flaws. He’s seen me with an eating disorder, a thyroid problem, in despair, SAD, and overwhelmed by PMDD. He’s still here. I’m not damaged in h is eyes I’m just original, quirky, individual and worth loving. He loves me for my eccentricities, has never asked me to change who I am. I don’t embarrass him with my laughter or my comments and he loves my complex mind. He devours my tastes and vision and swirls me in the glory of it. He embraces me and lifts me up, never holds me down or back. He enjoys and loves that I’m not like most other people, even if I don’t fit in. He gets me. He loves me. He is my forever man. He not only takes my breath away but he lets me breathe.

So in the end of all of this, I think I have found some peace. I also think I figured out something – true for myself anyway. I think that the loves that you can let go maybe really weren’t loves at all. They were infatuations, distractions, lusts and maybe even conveniences. Consider this. Maybe the loves you can never fully let go of are the real loves, the true loves and the ones that were good. Maybe it’s not the fact that they were incomplete loves but they were complete loves and that’s why they still exist as more than just as photo in an album. They are the ones that are important to shaping your heart as it is today and that we shouldn’t try to move past them but embrace them in all their goodness for who they helped you become.
Posted by Jennifer Cottyn-Townsend at 4:19 AM 0 comments

2007-08-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

They don't come much more beautiful than this, even with Mayonaise! If I were an ice cube I'd be melting!

Individual

2007-08-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

Wow does this quiz have me pegged, other than the Envy thing. I mean my hubby is going away on vacation in Florida for 12days and I'm not envious at all. If that's not going to bring on envy then I don't think that is an accurate statement about me. But the rest, the rest is sooo true! And how cool to be in the company of those particular famous people! As Gene Simmons would say, it's good to be me! Deryn Mentock posted this on her blog, that's how I came across this quiz. Give it a try and see if it's accurate about you!

My hands are busy today, are yours?

2007-08-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry

2007-08-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick little journal entry I made on the boys and my trip to Tofino. Not a work of art by any means, but oh do my boys love that I drew and wrote in my journal about our adventure. I don't know what happened to the mohawk haired large nosed boy! I certainly didn't mean for him to look like that but the more I tried to fix it the worse it got so I just decided to leave it. This one entry has encouraged my boys to journal, actually I should say it's excited them to journal. They actually nag me now to journal with them so that in itself makes this sad little journal entry a work of art in my eyes. It's provided the inspiration to two young boys to write about their day, their feelings and their thoughts about things and to include drawings as well. It's one thing to tell them, it's another thing to show them but the best thing is to inspire them.

Customer designed Pendant

2007-08-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend from where we used to live came and stayed with her son. I showed her my lampwork and she fell in love with this particular focal bead. The picture doesn't show it in great detail, it was just a snapshot as she was trying to duck away from the camera but I wanted to get some sort of pic, no matter how poor. After she picked the bead, I pulled out all my beading stuff and what was going to be a plain simple bead pendant turned into this, with all sorts of Swarovski crystals. She likes things plain but subcombed to the crystals dazzle. She was very specific about how she wanted it all to look so I did exactly what she wanted, even taking it apart and rehanging it a few times and she loved it in the end. I personally would have liked to do a few things different but it was totally her thing, and I wanted her to want to wear it so I let her go. The bead itself was based on the ocean's gorgeous tropical green colour at Weir's Beach in Metchosin, where we spent a gorgeous afternoon together a week before she visited me so I was happy she chose that one. She had no idea of the inspiration for the bead before she chose it either. I'll share some more lampwork soon, I'm making some special beads for a special blogger that I'm looking forward to sharing too, but not till she gets them first so it doesn't ruin her surprise. Right now though, I'm going to run and get ready to go shopping. I bought hubby a camera bag for his trip to Florida this week, and it's not quite right so we are off to exchange it and have a fun day in Victoria while we are at it. Have a great Sunday everyone!

Beautiful Strangers

2007-08-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful glimpse, a moment in their life that I got to capture and hold for myself. Looking at them then as I took the picture and now as I see it again, I feel lucky. I imagine who they are, why they chose this place and where they came from. I get to take their experience of surfing here at Long Beach, here at the edge of the New World where waves claim lives and nature is in it's most raw form and imagine their story as if I know who they are. I love doing this. I love to be the writer of who these characters might be. It's profoundly interesting to me.

Most people who see these stranger snapshots think it's weird that I do take these pictures but I think it's beautiful and I never throw them out. I've done it since I got my first camera as a kid, which drove my parents nuts to be exposing film of people they didn't know. They thought it was very wasteful and in guilt, I stopped doing it until I got a better camera and a job and started paying for my own film and developing. Film isn't the gold I was lead to believe that you have to pay, it's a tool to be played with. Now with digital, no one can criticize the cost cause it only costs if I develop them. But they still think me odd for it.

I'm not sure why but I have always taken pictures of strangers while living their lives and writing their own stories. One of the first I can remember taking was of a group of strangers,strangers even to themselves, sitting all over a grassy bank, with a rocky hill behind them waiting for a bus to come along. The weather was beautiful and even though these people were on their way to be busy somewhere else, at the moment I found them, they were having quiet solitude and physical relaxation right in the midst a very busy interesection. Quiet solitude when there was no solitude to be found. I still have that picture, I even placed it in a photo album. I wonder where that old album is.

The thing is, they have a story, their story is being written right along side of ours but most of the time we don't see their story because ours is right here, immediate, consuming and distracting. We don't often have time to see the beauty of all that is around us let alone have the chance to see the the beauty around someone else that we will never know. The chance to grab a guess of what it looks like through someone's someone elses unknown experiences of the place they are at this one moment. I find it so beautiful. Like a painting done by one of the Great Masters, something that I will never be able to recreate but I'd like to hold onto for myself.

These beautiful people. I know them for one moment, but it's my secret. They won't ever know.

He may be a year older...

2007-08-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

but he's still my little boy. He turned 8 on July 4th. Eight. How did that happen. Seems like just yesterday he was a tiny baby with digestion troubles. Now he eats like a powerhouse and I know it's just a warm up for his teens. He's my sensitive little thinker, my scientist, my timid lion. We call his birthday his independence day since that's the day he became independent from me. He loves that. For his cake this year he designed his own pokeball for a pokeman he created just for the day. I think he called it a Minun. I'll have to double check with him on that.

GeoCache

2007-08-06T11:59:00.001-07:00

While we were enjoying this stop at Clayoquot Plateau park, we happened upon a GeoCache site quite by accident. I didn't even think to bring the GPS or look up some locations. We were planning on enjoying the beach and water and that was all that was on our minds. As the boys clambered around on the rocks, looking for pebbles to toss into the deep rippling pool laying before us, my oldest son found a lock-n-lock container all camoflauge painted in what looked like a former support for some sort of construction (maybe something to do with logging? dealing with log jams?). He was so excited to find it and knew immediately what it was. Here they are all proud of the find.

They scavenged things from the van that they were willing to part with and made their trades and we made our entry in the log book and put it back. I put in some beautiful Canadian stamps which aren't in circulation anymore, and some kids handiwipes. The boys all put in something, what a decision it was for my middle boy (the one in orange shoes) for both giving and taking out of the cache. A decision maker he is not. My oldest took charge to place it back exactly as he found it for the next person.

I wished in hind sight that I had taken the fire-starter sticks out of it since the 3 days of rain that we were about to camp in made it imposible to light a fire with the water laden paper - from the heavy damp air - and the unseasoned wood. The fire virgin we camped with wasn't willing to hand over the reigns nor did I insist on taking them so we went fire free until a bottle of lighter fluid was purchased on the last night - which by the way, the rainforest skies immediately doused once it got going.

There were so many entries from people from all over the world. The boys were all so interested in where the people came from. It was a fun piece of our adventure.

2007-08-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

My Gorgeous boys at Clayoquot Park

2007-08-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

I don't have time to post right now so I will give you something beautiful to look at. I took this a couple weeks ago at Clayoquot Plateau Provincial Park.

WTF???

2007-07-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

My hubby found this while surfing the net... all I can say is WTF!!!

Longing for Peace

2007-05-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've got my day cut out for me today and I'm not ready for it. I feel tense and stressed, overworked and unappreciated these days, I really need to recharge but I can't see that possiblity for the coming weeks from here.

Today I need to clean and organize like a mad woman for my 10 year olds sleepover birthday party. We'll be taking 8 boys to Shrek 3 and then home here for pizza and a sleep over but... after months of him moving to his new room, the former occupant of the room (it was Mr Gas' office before) has STILL not removed his stuff. I plan on the boys all sleeping in there because my own boys have anhilated the playroom once again and it's going to take hours to sort it and organize it all again which I just don't have in me right now. The family room: they have not been kind to that room either and after daily nagging and redestruction of it, it never gets nice again, there's even a mass of sand that one of the boys thought to empty their shoe of in there today. and yes... they aren't supposed to wear shoes in the house so go figure. Everywhere I turn there's work and more work and as fast as I do it, it seems it gets undone just as fast.

I'm not having any fun lately. I never get time to play with the kids cause I'm always in nag mode or cleaning mode or laundry mode and there's no time to have fun cause I can't keep up with the work part of motherhood. If I'm not doing that I'm refereeing the nitpicking, the bickering, the tattling, the arguing and the disagreements that go on about seemingly everything sucking all my energy away and leaving me with an aching back from tension. This isn't what kind of motherhood I imagined for myself. I'm a fun Mom but I can't get to that part of it cause the moment I put the work aside to have fun, they take advantage of the lapse and make another disaster.

I'm told this is the hard part and it's like this right now cause I have 3 boys. I regularly meet people that will say 'oh you have 3 boys, yeah, that's alot of work'. They aren't kidding. Where's the fun time. I miss having fun! They tell me that it will get easier when they become teenagers and that they will always have a special spot for their Mom so I'm holding on to that.

Grocery shopping was a trial yesterday. I decided to go after school so Birthday Boy could pick out a few things for his party. A grand thought that turned into punishment for that said thought. I spent half the time trying to stop them from fighting over who got to ride in the car buggy that I chose cause the youngest fell asleep on the way there and I though it would be good for him since he was obviously tired. Then there was the hopping on the tile squares up and down the aisle, then more bickering cause one of them is irritating another then the middle gets all upset cause Birthday boy picked chips he didn't like, then this, then that, then we get to the till and the can I haves start and Oops, with all the distractions I forgot green onions - will BB go get them for me. Off he goes as I'm unloading the cart and trying to save food damage from the help I'm getting. He comes back and just as the last of the groceries are getting rung up he makes some comment to question him on the onions I sent him for only to find out did he not only not get them but didn't bother to tell me so now I have to leave all the kids and run off to get them. The check out lady told me to go home and have a big glass of wine as I paid. I screamed into the air, going down the hwy with the windows open on the drive home. It didn't help. Do they even know I feel tag teamed at times?

I know they love me, my 4 year old even told me yesterday out of the blue that he will always love me which hit me as a very deep thing for a 4 year old to say. I will hold on to that. I just wish I knew the magic words or could twitch my nose right to have them stop their disaster making, put their apple cores in the garbage, leave the sand outside, use the water in the toilet bowl as a target to aim at, get toothpaste spit in the sink, capture the clothes goblins that strew their clothes EVERYWHERE every day, pick up their toys so I don't impale my foot when I picking up their dishes they promise to put back if only I let them eat 'here'. I could go on and on but you get the point.

I'm tired. One day I know I will be looking back missing this constant caos I call my life right now, I know I will, I'm certain I will. I'll be desperate to have all this back again but right now, I would just love a little help, a little appreciation for all I do. I love them deep deep deep into my core, I just want the work to lessen so I can enjoy this all more. It's not always like this, it comes in waves and right now I'm on a big one and lost my surfboard.

Tomorrow my 7 year old and I are going to Beaver camp. Starts at 2 and check out time is 8:30 Sunday morning. That tells me to expect to be up very early. I'm not a morning person, I admit it, not at all! I should be looking forward to this, happy to have some one on one time with my middle son but I'm so drained it just seems like more work at this vantage. I hope that view will change when I get there, I really do. I want to enjoy all the good parts but the hard parts are sucking me dry right now.

It's true, just like the cartoon says Motherhood is definitely not for wimps!

The View from my torch

2007-05-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

This is the view from behind my torch. These guys make me smile and stir creative inspiration while I sit out in the garage melting glass. I painted my walls and ceiling a few weeks ago to help inspiration. After all, bare plywood and cement really do suck all the creativity out of your hide!

I ended up painting my hair a couple times when I bumped my head on the beams but what the heck, I have pink hair now, I had blue hair after bumping... it's all good!

This is my work area. I need to put more inspiration and decor in there but at least it's better than it was. What you see there is my working pile of glass. In the drawer of the desk is my stash which works okay for storage but I end up having to empty out a section each time I am looking for a specific colour since they are all just in colour groups. I bought some old apple crates at auction a couple months ago that I am going to anchor some pvc pipe in and stack them on their sides so I can sort it a bit better and actually see how much of what colour I actually have left. I went to use a certain colour tonight only to find out I had none of it, but when I was at the glass shop a week ago I was sure I had that colour so didn't get any. Being able to know at a glance if I have something would be much easier on my hands too. Have to watch those ends, even though they aren't jagged, you do have to pick up the glass gingerly when it's just dumped in a drawer.

Now these guys. These guys are fun! This is Mr. Gosh, Lenore, Ragamuffin and Pooty. These guys are from the imagination of Roman Dirge. Lenore is the main character of this group. Shhh, she's not really aware of it, but she's dead and yet she's still cute. Yup, she's the cute little dead girl. Lenore is comic book hero of a different kind, well, hero isn't really right but she is a character and that you can't deny. ;) She now has been animated and what a treat that is!
I also have his book 'Something At The Window Is Scratching: Children's tales for disurbed children' which is full of fun drawings and darkly silly stories. Nor for everyone (my MIL wouldn't even look at the book) but I certainly enjoy it! Here's his blog if you want to keep up to date with all things Dirge.

Stay tuned, tomorrow I will share the beads I created today (they are in the kiln annealing right now). I think I made the most beautiful bead I've ever created tonight, we'll see if I think the same in the morn!

Beauty in Age

2007-05-20T22:58:00.001-07:00

I love old barns. There's something so timeless and beautiful about them with the weathered patina and whispers of sweat and muscles and strain. Ghosts of chores done so many times before but sitting silent as I observe this moment in time.

Artist Connections

2007-05-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a Collectible Teddy Bear artist I found it to be no problem to connect with other artists, even made one of the small handful of most significant friendships of my life so far with one of those artists. But, now I'm doing glass and mixed media. In my everyday life I know no other artists, I haven't found any ongoing connections in person or online and I certainly haven't found anyone who actually *Gets* my work in my limited encounters. Now I know the latter of the two is much harder to come by, I mean, not that many people actually get me so it's no surprise that my work be considered 'out there' too, but I do feel a disparate need to connect with other artists.

I am a bohemian at heart. I'm a non-conformist by nature-I am irritated by rules that stifle rather than guide, I dislike the clock setting limits on my life, and I embrace all that is original, thought provoking and artful in life. Growing up my Dad told me all the time that I was a hippie which he meant as a derrogetory label but it's something I've always embraced. My first love, Ron Kaarvik, didn't appreciate my different sense of style or my zest for life shall we say(and yes, I still loved him-actually always will but that's for another post on a different subject) but it still didn't deter who I was or what I liked. They would both have a problem with the fact that for my 38th birthday last month a friend of mine dyed my hair pink. Fortunately, the man I married loves my quirkiness and my off the beaten path tastes, he accepts me and revels in the fact that I'm not ordinary. I'm not mainstream, I am bothered by the hypocrisies of daily life and my ability to see two sides of the proverbial coin at the same time has gotten me into trouble at times. I'm a person who gets riled up by current events, media, politics, religion and injustice to the point that sometimes I have to push them aside to embrace happiness because the depths of my soul feels the damages they all invoke on humanity. I feel.. I feel deeply for the smallest ant I may accidentally step on to the latest genocide humanity sits aside, witnessing and is unresposive to once again. It's recently come to light that my oldest son and I are gifted learners which does explain so much about how I think and why close friendships have always been difficult for me to find but that doesn't satisfy a fact I've always lived with-that sometimes I feel so lonely for someone to just 'get' me. I must say I am sad that I have given my son (and possibly the other 2 too) this legacy but they'll know that I 'get' them and that's more than I had growing up.

Reading others blog posts out there, I have a few rays of hope that there are others out there that will 'get' my work and possibly even me! I want to meet them, I want to chat and laugh with them and get to know them but how. I'm emotionally starved for intellectual conversation, art talk and exchanges of ideas. I need to connect with those that live and breathe art as I do, but don't know how that will/can happen sitting here infront of my laptop. I don't want to send someone an email via their blog and sound like a needy groupie. When I was a bear artist it was easy, I joined mailing lists and just emailed but that was before the birth of blogs. Maybe someone will find my blog and say 'hey, I know her, she's me!'. I won't hold my breath though.

Meanwhile, I sit and wish, hoping to connect with other artists...

2007-05-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't been very good about writing regularly. I've written so many posts in my mind while trying to fall asleep but that's where they stayed. I took a fantastic class with Sherry Bellamy last weekend at Glass-Smith in Victoria. I learned more from her than I have in any class before and I came home completely inspired. My glass work has a whole new life to it now and I have so many ideas I'm looking forward to trying. I made a bead I'm very happy with, I will take a picture soon as Mr Helium comes home with my camera.

My oldest and Mr Helium are off at a Cub Scouts camp for the weekend. Yet again, rain has been called for camp. I think we'll all fall over if a camp ever falls on a weekend that it *doesn't* rain! They went to a fun little island where there's no cars and took their bicycles. I wish my other boys and I could have gone with them but the youngest and I don't have sleeping bags so home we stay. I did all the food for the weekend. Oh how I hope I didn't screw up cause there's no whipping out to the store if something is missing.

I am going to make a necklace with my middle guy tomorrow, and make some polymer clay props with both my middle and littlest for their playmobile stories. They love to play with that together so it will be great fun to make up some tangible things that they have been trying to enact in their imaginations. Maybe I'll be able to sneak in some PMC work while we're into it and I hope to get them to bed on time so I can play with some glass tomorrow night. I have a painting I've been working on for some time too, so that would be nice to get to too. I should post a pic of it in progress but again, my digital is off camping and my film has a dead battery.

Well, uploading some pics has all miserably failed so I will head off to bed and try again another time. Enjoy your weekend, where ever you are.

New Beads

2007-02-19T21:08:00.000-08:00

Darn it! These pictures really don't do these beads justice at all! Need to work on that before I put them up for sale. The Goddess has so many different tones and is much more shapely than the picture shows. She has a beautiful figure with a bit of a womanly pooch tummy. She feels wonderful in your hand and I'm sure that if she was hung from a neck, the wearer couldn't help but unconsciencely feel her all the time. It's the angle she was taken at on the front facing picture that throws her looks off I think. I couldn't wait to put her up her though.

The Man in the Moon bead is a single hole bead so that it will hang nicely as a pendant. Again, the angle the photos were taken from aren't working in his favour but I just couldn't wait. I really like his strong facial features. He's made from opal yellow which gives many different colours depending on how long it's worked in the flame. That's why I chose the colour for him cause it adds interest beyond the shape and features.

Well that's it for now kids, my kiln is fired up and I'm going to go turn the torch on for a bit before bed. I pulled some stringers just before I went to the gym tonight cause I couldn't wait to play. Tomorrow I hope to paint, alter and paint. I am going to fool around with some vintage bodybuilder photos for the gym I go to. The people that own it are so special, such nice people. I think some altered photos would be right up their alley for the gym.